Breaking My Silence

Note: This post was written during a panic attack. Some of the thoughts expressed in this post could be construed as ‘magical thinking’ or me overanalyzing my current situation, but I feel like now is the time to put out the truth.

It’s official. After living in Orlando for a total of five months, I’ve moved back home to Spring Hill. Yes, I did have to sacrifice my job, my location, and possibly even some friendships to go back home. Ultimately, the reason why I moved back was because I feel like I jumped into the whole ‘live away from home’ thing way too early. I moved when I was just shy of turning twenty, with no college experience under my belt. Hell, I didn’t (and still don’t) know how to drive, because of my fear of driving. Orlando was unfortunately not cut out for me in the long run.

I feel like I should start working toward my life goals instead of just standing around and wasting money. If I had gone to school first instead of moving to Orlando right away, things would’ve been a lot more different, I think. But I feel like I have made the right decision, what is right for me. I’m sick of having to base my decisions around the needs and wants of other people. And keep in mind that I do suffer from severe anxiety. I evaluate my every step, every word I say, every thought, and even if I slightly mess up I feel like I have ruined myself entirely. I always feel like I’m on the edge. But I just want people to understand me for who I am as a person and why I’ve decided what I need to do to become a better person.

And believe me, this was an extremely difficult decision. I had anxiety attacks while talking to family about this and out of fear, I haven’t really spoken to anybody since Christmas, I think. I’m really worried that people will be angry with me, and they probably already are. I feel like rumors have been spread about me since I’ve been gone and I’m scared to fess up to them, if they are at all plausible. I didn’t know I was coming off as rude, honestly. That’s what happens when anxiety holds you back from talking to people, you just come off as cold. I don’t mean to come off that way. If you met me in person you’d say otherwise.

But, c’est la vie, I guess.

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